


KHAN: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by SpirkTrekker42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 04:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpirkTrekker42/pseuds/SpirkTrekker42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a KHAN unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your KHAN will give you decades of quality performance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	KHAN: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Disclaimer: Kirk and Star Trek sadly do not belong to me.  Gene Roddenberry gets props for creating the Trek universe and the original characters.  JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman get props for redefining the Star Trek characters in the alternate universe.

A/N: The original Owner’s Guide belongs to Theresa Green.  It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.  So I decided the sexy nu!Khan needed an owner’s manual, and this is the end result.  Also, it gets kind of slashy near the end so if that’s not your thing, don’t read it.  Thank you.

A/N2: **The book that I am getting specific details about Khan’s background is called Star Trek: The Eugenics Wars by Greg Cox.**   It is really worth the read if you are interested in reading about how the genetics project that created Khan was founded.

A/N3:  The shower thing is in there because there was a deleted scene from STID where Khan takes a water shower and you get to see his muscular chest.  Why would they ever delete something that hot? Whyyyyy.

A/N4: I allude to Khan/Kirk because in the movie they are always in constant competition and even though I am a K/S shipper, that is some objectively hot shit right there! 

A/N5: If I didn’t get something right, or you have a suggestion, please review or PM me!

**_.~._ **

**_Khan Noonien Singh:  The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual_ **

****

**_CONGRATULATIONS!_**  
  
You are now the proud owner of a KHAN NOONIEN SINGH unit!  
  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your KHAN will give you decades of quality performance.  
  
  
  
 **INSTALLATION**  
  
When you receive your KHAN, remove his leather jacket so he does not become overheated.  It is not necessary to remove any other clothes at this time.  
  
Your KHAN should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the KHAN unit.  
  
(a) KHAN 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Montalban, 1966)  
  
(b) KHAN 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Cumberbatch, 2013)

 **Note:**   This Owner’s Manual refers to KHAN 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one **Benedict Cumberbatch**.  
  
  
  
 **TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**  
  
Name: _Khan Noonien Singh, sometimes incorrectly referred to as John Harrison_

Rank _: none_

Starship: _none_  
  
Home Planet: Earth

Home Town: Rajastan, India

Manufacturers: Geneticist Sarina Kaur  
  
Site of Manufacture: Chrysalis Base  
  
Height: 6 ft  
  
Weight: _insufficient data_  
  
Hair Color:  Brown

Eyes: Green or Hazel

  
  
  
  
 **OPERATING PROCEDURE**  
  
Your KHAN unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard.  
  
Remember that your KHAN is not just eye-candy; he has multiple functions.  
  
  
  
Information Gathering:   
  
KHAN likes to find out things about his future personal slaves, I mean subjects!  He is very sneaky like that.  He is a skilled manipulator, especially when he has motivation such as convincing his captors to release him from the brig.  He can manipulate you with words and/or with emotions.  Just a friendly piece of advice – NEVER TRUST THIS GUY!  
  
Combat:  
  
Your KHAN unit is programmed with a vast knowledge of how to defend himself, and will be able to protect you if you are ambushed.  He is a great shot.  He also has super strength to help him out.  He picks fights with people he is sure he can beat, which is pretty much anyone.  He would have defeated the SPOCK unit if it weren’t for the UHURA unit coming to the rescue. 

Note: Please be careful not to anger this guy because he likes to crush people’s skulls for fun.

  
Story Telling:   
  
Your KHAN’s memory contains a great many stories from classic Terran literature. He also has a firsthand account of what happened during the Eugenics Wars of the 1990s.  If he’s telling a bedtime story to your kid, remind him to keep the violence down to a minimum or else he will launch into all of his favorite ways to kill people, and that could give your kid nightmares.   
  


  
  
  
 **COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**  
You will find that your KHAN is compatible with most other humans. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your KHAN in conjunction with the KIRK unit if you also have a SPOCK 2.0 unit.   

  
The maintenance of a KHAN unit as an attachment to a KIRK unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The KIRK and KHAN model have three modes of interaction:  
  
(a) Hostile  
  
(b) Friendly  
  
(c) Dictator  
  
WARNING: It is essential that both the KHAN and KIRK units be set to the same interaction mode. If the KIRK model is set to ‘Hostile’ while the KHAN is set to ‘Dictator’, your unit could be fatally damaged.  
  
  
  
 **ACCESSORIES**  
  
The items with which your KHAN comes equipped, depend on which edition of the super-human you have purchased.  
  
KHAN 1.0 : Wears Ceti Alpha V animal skins and boots.  Centaurian slugs not included.  
  
KHAN 2.0 : Wears grey Starfleet command uniform, black pants, boots.  Comes with leather jacket.  
  
Both editions are equipped with phasers and communicators as well as five additional grey uniform shirts.  
  
  
  
 **CLEANING**  
  
Depending on the uses to which you put your KHAN, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use either a water shower or a sonic shower – either will suffice.   Be sure to tell him how much better he is than everyone – his ego needs to be stoked regularly, too.  
  
  
 **LUBRICATION**  
  
To ensure that your KHAN remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your KHAN unit can be provided by the KIRK unit, sold separately.  
  
  
  
 **RECHARGING**  
  
After long periods of use, your KHAN’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your human:  
  
Food:  
  
Your KHAN does not need as much food as the SCOTTY model, but he benefits from regular refueling.  He will eat pretty much anything, but he really likes Indian food including Tandoori Chicken, Lamb Curry, Naan bread, and Kulfi (Indian ice cream).  
  
Drink:  
  
If your KHAN’s energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink. If he’s had enough water, give him Chai Indian Tea – it is his favorite. Your KHAN may try to convince you that he needs Red Bull to maintain the perfect balance of electrolytes. This is not true. All it will do is make him hyper and want to kill people.  
  
Sleep:  
  
You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your KHAN needs in order to maintain optimum performance.  This guy can function well on only a few hours.  He can stay awake even longer than the SPOCK unit!  Now _that_ is impressive.  
  
  
  
 **REPROGRAMMING**  
  
The KHAN 2.0 can be issued with a revised ‘Return of Khan’ (copyright SpirkTrekker42) program from May 2013. Please see your favorite fanfiction site for details of this upgrade.  
  
It is  not possible to reprogram the KHAN 1.0.  He was already programmed with the essential dictatorial capabilities intact.  He needs no further encouragement.  
  
  
  
 **SECURITY**  
  
Thanks to the popularity of the KHAN unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your dictator.  
  
* Have your KHAN micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of whiny dictators to carry out this procedure.  (Any nearby McCOY unit would gladly volunteer.)  
  
* Do not leave your KHAN unattended in public.  
  
* Do not lend your KHAN to anyone (e.g. your friend Marla McGivers).  
  
  
CAUTION: Your KHAN may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to chain his wrists to the bedposts. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.  It just means he has masochistic tendencies.  If he asks to be tortured, call for the KIRK unit.  Immediately.  
  
  
  
 **FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

  
 **Q:** _Can I take my KHAN on vacation with me?_  
  
 **A:** Yes!  He especially enjoys trips to Australia where he can visit the old Botany Bay penal colony and tell you all about the history of the place.  He will go anywhere you wish as long as you are willing to put up with him talking your ear off on how he could easily take over that particular place if he just had a few of his crewmembers to help him.  
  
  
 **Q:** _What is so special about my KHAN’s blood?_  
  
 **A:** The KHAN unit has a unique blood chemistry that gives him regenerative powers, or the ability to heal himself at will.  This could come in handy if you or someone you love becomes ill or has a severe injury.  Just take a sample of your KHAN’s blood and inject it into the person in need.  It will save their life, just like it did with the injured KIRK unit.  Talk about handy!  
  
  
  
 **Q:** _Where should I store my KHAN when he is not in use?_  
  
 **A:**  Store him in the cargo bay in the cryo pod in which he was found.  He really likes to sleep in there for some strange reason.  Just don’t accidentally activate the cryo sleep sequence - it may cause some minor brain problems if he is left in there too long.  Or you can keep him in your bed if you trust him not to kill you in your sleep.  That’s a BIG if…  
  
  
 **TROUBLE SHOOTING**  
  
 **Problem:** Your KHAN keeps trying to take command of the _Enterprise_ , often hurting others on the ship.  
  
 **Solution:** Promise that you will play the game of Risk with him twice a week so that he can pretend to take over the world and fulfill that particular need of his in a much safer way.   
  
  
 **Problem:** Your KHAN is being hunted down by a secret branch of Starfleet called Section 31.

 **Solution:** Ask the Klingons if you can lay low on their homeworld of Kronos until Starfleet gives up on the search for Khan.  
 ****  
  


 **Problem:** Your KHAN is always trying to pick up girls, even when they are on duty.  He’s starting to act like a creeper.

 **Solution:**   Have the KIRK unit be his wingman.  He is quite experienced in these matters. Or, if your KHAN’s slash function is turned on, tell him to hit on KIRK instead.  If the KIRK unit is not yet in a relationship with the SPOCK unit, he will most likely go for KHAN.

  
 **Problem:** Your KHAN can’t sleep due to weird flashbacks about his former life.  
  
 **Solution:** This is normal behavior for your KHAN.  If it is interfering with his performance, recommend he take a sedative before bed, or suggest that your McCOY refer him to the ship’s Betazoid therapist.  
  
  
  
 **Problem:** Your KHAN is refusing to take a shower, even though he’s starting to stink.  
  
 **Solution:**   Order him to take a shower and tell him that you’ll watch and that after he’s done, you’ll help him ‘dry off’.  He will most likely go for that.

**Problem:** Your KHAN keeps bitching about how the KIRK unit killed his wife, but that is simply not true.  You can’t take whatever he’s saying seriously!  
  
 **Solution:**   You have been issued KHAN 1.0 by mistake!  Trade him in for the upgraded 2.0 model for no extra charge.  
  
  
  
 **Problem:** Your KHAN is exceedingly distracted with science experiments, loathes all authority figures with a passion (even the KIRK unit) and keeps insisting he is a consulting detective, not a villain.  
  
 **Solution:** You have accidentally been issued with a SHERLOCK unit rather than a KHAN. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him.  (Keep an eye out for the WATSON unit.)  
  
  
  
 **Problem:** Minutes after you open your KHAN your front yard becomes inundated with screaming young girls known as “Cumberb*tches” wielding ‘Marry Me, Benedict!’ banners.  
  
 **Solution:** This phenomenon is not unknown with the KHAN 2.0. Take the following steps:  
  
(1) It essential that you hide your KHAN. Do not hide him in the bedroom – it is the first place they will look.  
  
(2) Tell the fan-girls that a ‘Sherlock BBC’ season one marathon is showing at your local cinema. They will soon disappear.  
  
(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have a KHAN 1.0. Most of them will lose interest since they probably have only a limited knowledge of how sexy the KHAN 1.0 model can be in his own special way. Any that are left are probably quite decent people if they know TOS. Invite them in for plomeek soup and begin a discussion about whether KHAN would  really have known the CHEKOV unit before they met on Ceti Alpha V. While they are arguing, sneak out with your KHAN and head for the rehabilitation colony where the KIRK unit awaits him. Recommend that they lie low for a few days.  
  
  
  
  
 **ADDITIONAL INFO**

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:

Starfleet Academy

PO BOX 1701

EARTH

 SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129

 

*May you and your KHAN live long and prosper.

THE END

A/N:  Any questions, comments, concerns about the Khan model?  Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them. 


End file.
